"I just don't get together with them anymore" was the most common response I received to my "Five Pointers for Avoiding Toxic Holiday Drama" blog last year.Â
Avoidance is the new normal, and it's not all bad. Giving ourselves space to heal and develop our personal boundaries and strategies for being together is healthy and how we grow into maturity.
Whether or not you're together with family, you can still utilize the holiday season to focus on the most important thing for maintaining and improving inner health...connection.
Togetherness and connection are not the same thing. We can be together without connecting. Although we're tribal by nature and gravitate towards togetherness, being together in unhealthy ways can often be what keeps us in the toxic mess and relationally isolated.
Instead, let's focus on how we can better connect. There is a lot of data that shows connectedness is one of the most important, if not THE most important, ingredient for lifelong wellness and vitality. Â
So what is connection, and how can we take advantage of those holiday work parties, invitations to family gatherings, and fun community events that are prevalent during the holidays? Any time we can take the opportunity to turn something into a healthy experience for ourselves, we should definitely take it, especially if it's really not that hard.
So, let's try this again! Here are Five Ways Make Mental Health Holiday Magic through Connecting.
Deal with your own bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness. What? That seems harsh and heavy! Believe it or not, our body sends off vibrations based on its balance of chemicals transmitting micromagnetic impulses. If you live in an internally toxic world, you'll be giving off unpleasant vibrations. Â
Have you ever walked into a room and noticed RIGHT AWAY that someone is in a bad mood, and then when you ask them about it…they deny it? They haven't done anything yet, but you can feel it's coming. The same is true with you. When you live in anger, disappointment, and ungratefulness, you send out vibrations that keep you isolated and the people around you on the defensive. Â
Smile. That might seem simplistic and somewhat condescending, but there is a lot of science behind how smiling reduces your stress levels. According to a recent article in NeuroLaunch, even forcing a smile will light up our brains and trick us into thinking we are happy. Smiling is the quickest route we can take to personal therapy at any given moment. ( https://neurolaunch.com/what-does-smiling-do-to-the-brain/). This will, in turn, attract other people to you in a positive way, allowing you to enjoy a connection that can improve your overall wellbeing. According to Larry D. Molena (D.D.S.), smiling activates the mirror neurons in the brain. This means it also boosts others' serotonin and oxytocin levels when they catch you smiling! (https://larrymolendadds.com/the-surprising-psychology-of-smiling-and-its-impact-on-well-being/) Smiling is a free holiday gift you can give yourself and others that will have a long-lasting effect. Â
Touch. It's even better when it's skin-to-skin. Physical touch is how we glean energy and support from each other. One touch can release stored-up tension in your body and immediately regulate your nervous system. This is tricky because touching can be incredibly intimate, so it's essential that the touching is agreed upon, reciprocal, and mutually understood.Â
If you already have an "understanding" with a spouse or significant other, spend more time holding hands, hugging cheek-to-cheek, or cuddling. For business colleagues or acquaintances, a handshake or fist bump is appropriate. Hugging or cuddling a pet or animal counts! Challenge yourself to be the one to bridge that gap and shake a hand, do a high five, or initiate a fist bump. You'll reap the benefits of connecting, even if it's short!
Listen. We all get tired of listening to gossip, political opinions, or opinions about how the business is run or a family member's latest decision. But you have the power to change what you're listening to! Ask a question to lead someone in a different and more personal direction. Ask them about a favorite childhood memory. Ask them about a favorite holiday tradition. Ask about their most recent Netflix binge. Connecting personally will create a connection between your shared humanity and experiences. These conversations are ones you'll be glad to remember.
Bond over laughter. We've probably all heard of "trauma bonding". You'll want to avoid that over the holidays…even if there are ample opportunities. Instead, create opportunities to bond over humor and laughter. Let yourself go. Be silly. Go to a party or get-together armed with a joke. Share some funny memes or tell a story in which others can find humor. Bring a game or initiate a game. Be careful that you do these things sober…otherwise, you'll be positively bonding with the alcohol (or whatever the altering substance is). Whenever you have a happy memory under the influence, it will reinforce your dependence and attachment to the substance instead of different people, further broadening the gap of disconnection. Genuine connection can only happen when you're sober, present, and intentional.
My father used to tell the anyone who would listen the silliest dad jokes followed by his uproarious laughter. While my sister and I run away with our eye rolls and deep sighs, the wait staff or grocery clerk would always share in the laugh with him. Even if the joke was more painful than funny, who doesn't feel special from someone taking the time to share a personal joy? My father passed away three years ago, and looking back, I miss the ways he brought happiness to the world by just being himself, armed with his arsenal of often repeated and very silly jokes.
Even if you decide to avoid the family or holiday get-togethers, you can still find ways to help the holiday magic happen through connecting.
Walking your dog, navigating the grocery store madness, or strolling through a holiday market can all be opportunities to connect through a smile, a meaningful question, or a high five. Remember, connecting is one of the most important ingredients for staying happy and healthy all year long.
Do you have a holiday connection story that could inspire the rest of us? Share it in the comment section. We'd love to hear it!
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