Will there be family drama this holiday season? Yes. The key is not to let it sit inside you and turn into toxic stress; instead, process it as you go and leave the stress behind you.
Here are five pointers to help you maintain a healthy mental and emotional equilibrium during the holidays. Pick one or two that resonate with you and keep them close to your heart so that when the drama begins to unfold, you're ready!
#1. Remember that there will be drama, and it's ok.
Your family is not necessarily more horrible or dysfunctional than the next family. You're together, aren't you? That's a start. People in every family have unhealed wounds, and when those wounds are touched, there is often a "big emotion" that follows. This "big emotion" can present as an outburst of anger or crying, or it can look like withdrawing and becoming more distant and illusive.
This happens more often during the holidays because people are usually away from each other throughout the year, and it's easy to have imaginary relationships that are a lot more pleasant. In reality, we are all living with real stress and unhealed wounds.
The people in your family are also in varying degrees of growth and development. Sometimes, people experience emotions that are disproportionate to the situation because they lack the understanding or ability to handle what is happening.
The bigger the family gatherings and the more relationship dynamics are happening, the more the feelings of being overwhelmed and out of control will increase. This is very normal. But be encouraged; being challenged to grow and heal is a good thing and why family connections are so important.
#2. As much as possible, be rooted in the knowledge and understanding of your value and worth before going to any family functions. Your personal worth and core values will be the launching point for managing your actions.
Do not expect that Grandpa will be more sensitive. He won't.
Don't expect Aunt Betty to be less rude. She won't.
Don't expect cousin Danny to show up on time. He won't.
Instead of "hoping things will be different," decide you'll be different. Deciding not to take things personally and remembering that others' rudeness, insensitivity, and disrespect are because of who they are, not because of who you are, will help protect you from becoming more wounded and empower you to make decisions that protect your personal value.
#3 When and if you're triggered, let yourself process the FEELINGS as soon as you can.
When you feel triggered and want to lash out, take some time to yourself. Avoid making that snarky comment to put someone in your place. Take a deep breath and stay calm. Instead of reacting the way you feel in the moment, begin thinking about creating the space you'll need to process the feelings that tempt you to live outside your personal standards.
Don't look for a time to gossip and say horrible things about the other person. Instead, seek time to process your own feelings concerning the situation. What was said or done? Why did it hurt? Where is that pain coming from? Talk to yourself, pray, sit with a family member you can trust, take a walk, or ground yourself in a meaningful reminder.
You are processing your feelings, not unraveling generations of family dynamics. Remember, when you change and stop the toxic cycle inside yourself, it promotes positive change around you.
#4 When someone else has a big emotion, don't respond with a reactive big emotion.
Stay calm and say nothing. Right now, you are engaging your mind, not your potentially wounded heart, your fear, or your feelings of being out of control.
If you need to respond to someone, start by validating their emotions. Empathize. Thank the person for sharing their feelings. Ask clarifying questions. You can also give the person space to have a moment. Don't take it personally.
If someone has crossed the line and has behaved abusively towards you, permit yourself to leave the room, the house, or the celebration. It will create more drama... but it won't be toxic.
Toxic drama is the kind that protects abusive behavior.
To decrease your chance you'll have to make the big stand, warn them beforehand that you will leave if a specific type of behavior (yelling, name-calling, hitting, or any kind of abuse) happens or continues. This is a personal standard and one you are allowed to set.
The abusive behavior could be directed at you or someone else. That part doesn't matter. You are in charge of your value system and can set your personal expectations however you choose. You can't control how others live, but you can choose what you'll participate in.
In my family, there was an older relative who would sit in a chair and make pot shots at everyone in the family. I finally had enough. I let the family know that from now on, if that person is rude or mean in my presence, I would challenge him and ask him to stop. I had decided that for my own peace of mind, and to be true to my own value system, I would no longer just sit there as if it weren't happening. We were never invited to the same family gathering after that. I was fine with that. I was the one who set up the boundary. I am at peace, so are the rest of the family members (except for the relative who's generally unhappy.) I have continued to show interest in updates about that family member. I have chosen to not be mad when I'm not invited, but instead, grateful that the family has supported my boundary, even if I would have preferred they let me have at him.
#5 Focus on the positive.
Even if people were triggered because someone else got more presents, the favorite family recipe wasn't used, the kids were too rowdy, or certain people never helped with the cleanup, train your brain to meditate on the fun times you had.
We are hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive experiences, and that is what we'll probably want to rehearse over and over again after the holidays.
Don't.
Instead, rehearse the wonderful food you ate, the meaningful conversations, the beauty of the season, and the unexpected growth in yourself and others. Make the experience work FOR you, whatever it is. You can't control your crazy family, but you can manage your own thoughts and where you will dwell.
If there is processing that needs to be done to create healthy boundaries in the future, think about that later. It gives you the time to process your emotions, focus on the good, and prioritize what is really important.
Have a wonderful holiday season, cherish the times you have with each other, and visit us for some healing and helpful holiday gifts!
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